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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30058014">Another Life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy410/pseuds/Lucy410'>Lucy410</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>due South</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:55:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,964</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30058014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy410/pseuds/Lucy410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'Looking closer Fraser could see the shadow of old bruises on his face, and he ran his thumb gently across them. The look in the man's eyes made him suck in his breath.'</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Due South Archive</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. First Meeting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>An au in which Vecchio didn't go undercover and Kowalski is no longer a detective with the Chicago Police Department.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was a chill in the air as Fraser and Ray came out of the 27th. It carried the scent of snow and Fraser smiled. </p>
<p>"Something funny?" Ray said. "Look, I had to park around the corner this morning, wait here, okay." </p>
<p>"Of course, Ray." </p>
<p>Fraser stood easily, feet apart, hands behind his back. He looked out across the street, eyes moving, observing as always. </p>
<p>Sudden movement caught his attention. A man dressed in an odd assortment of clothing was being mobbed by a small gang of teenagers. They were shouting taunts and pulling at the man's coat. </p>
<p>Briefly checking for traffic, Fraser sprinted across the road. "Sorry... sorry," he apologised as he ran, but by the time he had made it across the jeering teenagers had knocked the man to the ground and fled. </p>
<p>"Are you all right?" Fraser reached out to help the man to his feet, only to find himself staring into a face that was a lot younger than he had expected. </p>
<p>"Thanks," the voice was gruff, rough as though unused, blue eyes looked warily at Fraser and the Mountie felt a sudden and strange dislocation as though he already knew this man. </p>
<p>Looking closer Fraser could see the shadow of old bruises on his face, and he ran his thumb gently across them. The look in the man's eyes made him suck in his breath. </p>
<p>"Fraser. Hey, Benny." </p>
<p>The shout made Fraser twist around to see Ray hanging out of the Riv's window and waving at him. When he turned back the man he had helped was walking away, head down, arms tucked in. </p>
<p>"Get in will you." Ray said as soon as Fraser had crossed the street. "What was that about?" he asked, once Fraser was seated next to him. </p>
<p>"Someone who needed help." Fraser gave Ray a half smile. </p>
<p>"It always is, Benny, it always is." The Riv drove away. </p>
<p>______ </p>
<p>He was standing guard duty outside the consulate. Inspector Thatcher had assigned him the job as Turnbull had had an unfortunate accident with a hockey puck, Fraser hadn't asked for details. </p>
<p>He fixed his eyes on an indeterminate point in the middle distance and settled in. It was actually quite calming, standing still in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of city life. Of course he would never admit to enjoying it, but he felt centred and tranquil. </p>
<p>A quiet, almost apologetic, cough by his shoulder caught his attention. Of course people were always doing this, taking a photograph or trying to see if they could make him move. He shut them out, that was child's play. </p>
<p>He could hear the shuffling of feet, cautious and slow. Whoever it was, was slowly moving round, putting themselves into his line of sight. </p>
<p>It was the man he had tried to help the day before. Fraser had time today to take in the details. Tousled dark blond hair and blue eyes set off a face that some would have described as quirky and handsome. Fraser thought it was beautiful. The man was thin, even under all the layers of clothing he was wearing, Fraser could see that. He wasn't wearing a hat and the mountie could clearly see the fresh bruise on his cheek. </p>
<p>There were times, Fraser reflected, when protocol must be followed to the letter, and then there were times like these, times when circumstances called for the rules to be set aside. </p>
<p>Keeping his hands down at his sides, Fraser focused on the man in front of him. "Are you in some sort of trouble?" </p>
<p>A look of surprise flared briefly in the eyes. "Why would you ask that?" </p>
<p>"That bruise on your face," Fraser kept his voice calm and quiet, he didn't want to startle the man. "It wasn't there yesterday." </p>
<p>Shoulders rearranged themselves into a shrug. "I was in a fight, it's not a big deal." </p>
<p>Fraser waited. He doubted that the man was being completely honest with him but accusing somebody of lying was no way to build up a rapport. He'd surprised himself, was he trying to build up a rapport, and if so, why? </p>
<p>"I wanted to say thank you." </p>
<p>"I didn't do anything." </p>
<p>"The intent was there." The man smiled, just briefly. </p>
<p>Fraser could feel his stomach churning, he really wanted to see that smile again. </p>
<p>The man folded his arms around himself and shuffled his feet. Fraser could tell from the sound that the man's boots were worn away almost to nothing. </p>
<p>"So, thank you." The man turned to leave. </p>
<p>"Tell me your name." Suddenly it seemed very important to stop the man from leaving. </p>
<p>Slowly the figure shuffled around to regard Fraser once more. He shook his head. "I don't have a name, not anymore." </p>
<p>"You must have had a name once." Fraser really hoped Inspector Thatcher wasn't looking out of any windows at this moment. He had taken a step or two forward, drawn by the stranger. </p>
<p>"Once maybe. I'm not that person anymore." </p>
<p>"Tell me anyway." </p>
<p>The man sighed and looked away. Fraser tensed, if the man ran he fully intended to run after him. </p>
<p>"Stanley Raymond Kowalski." The words were like a gift. </p>
<p>"Stanley." Fraser tried the word out. "Or do you prefer Stan?" </p>
<p>"Actually, my friends, when I had friends, called me Ray." </p>
<p>"I'd like us to be friends." Fraser wondered how he could prolong this conversation, how could he keep this Ray from walking away. </p>
<p>"Then by all means call me Ray." </p>
<p>A clock began to chime the hour and the smile, that beautiful smile, faded from Ray's face. </p>
<p>"I gotta go." The man took to his heels and Fraser watched him until he disappeared from view. Then he settled back to his guard duty, his mind full of thoughts of Ray. </p>
<p>________<br/>
"I wasn't expecting you." Ray looked up as Fraser strode into the squad room. "Is everything all right." </p>
<p>"Yes, Ray." Fraser tucked his hat under his arm. "Is Elaine around? I was hoping to ask her something?" </p>
<p>"Uniform fitting. You know she graduates in a few weeks time?" </p>
<p>"And I am very much looking forward to it." Fraser sighed and looked around. "I wonder if there's anyone else that can help me." </p>
<p>Ray spread his arms. "What about me? I'm not exactly snowed under with work, you know." </p>
<p>Fraser shook his head, for some reason he was reluctant to discuss Ray, his new Ray, with the old Ray. </p>
<p>"What have you got to lose, Benny? C'mon, from the look on your face I'd say it's something important." </p>
<p>"It is, Ray. It is important." Fraser sank down on the other side of Ray's desk. </p>
<p>"Well, spit it out." </p>
<p>Ray did look eager to help and, Fraser reasoned, if he couldn't trust his friend, his best friend mind you, with this, then who could he trust? </p>
<p>"I need to make some enquiries, discreetly." </p>
<p>"About your mystery man from yesterday?" Ray laughed. "Yes, Benny, you really are that predictable." </p>
<p>"Perhaps I should find someone else to help me." Fraser began to stand up. </p>
<p>"Relax, Frase. I'm happy to help you. Course there are a lot of people in Chicago, might be tricky tracking him down." </p>
<p>"I have his name." </p>
<p>"It's a starting point." Ray scrambled on his desk for a fresh sheet of paper and sat, pencil poised. </p>
<p>"Stanley Raymond Kowalski." Fraser wondered if perhaps Ray didn't know how to spell Kowalski because the man had made no attempt to write the name down. "K...O...W---" </p>
<p>"I can spell, Benny, thanks. You're sure that was his name?" </p>
<p>"You know him?" </p>
<p>"I know of him," Ray admitted in a voice that sounded reluctant to Fraser. </p>
<p>"Stanley Kowalski?" </p>
<p>Fraser had been so focused on Ray he hadn't realised that Welsh was listening in on their conversation. </p>
<p>"You know him too, Lieutenant?" </p>
<p>"Only by reputation. I think every cop in Chicago has heard the name Stanley Kowalski." Welsh stuck his hands in his pockets. </p>
<p>"He's famous then?" Fraser glanced from one man to the next, a little confused. </p>
<p>"Infamous is more like it," Welsh growled. </p>
<p>"He was a good cop," Ray protested. "One of the best." </p>
<p>"Was?" </p>
<p>Welsh frowned. "He blew an operation that had been a year in the making. Deliberately." </p>
<p>"He broke his cover to save lives, sir." Ray was on his feet. "He made the right decision." </p>
<p>"He blew six months budget in a matter of minutes." </p>
<p>"Some things are more important than money, sir." </p>
<p>"You've been spending too much time with the Mountie," Welsh retorted and strode away to his office. </p>
<p>Fraser watched as Ray retook his seat. Eventually the detective looked up, he smiled at Fraser. "You really found him?" </p>
<p>"I wasn't aware that he was missing." Fraser frowned, picturing Ray in his head. "You're sure he was a police officer?" </p>
<p>"Like I said he was a good cop. I don't know the exact details but about three years ago he went undercover. It was a joint operation between the FBI and us." Ray made a face. "Meticulously planned, or at least it was supposed to be. Kowalski was the undercover guy. He blew his cover to save a kid's life. Afterwards he handed over his shield and walked away. No one's seen him since." Ray stopped talking and looked across the desk at Fraser. "I guess if he's been living rough that would explain how he managed to disappear." Ray shrugged. </p>
<p>Fraser rubbed at his ear while he thought. He pictured Ray in his mind, the ill-fitting garments, the defensive stance, the way he wrapped his arms around himself, the eyes full of distrust and yet there had been something else there too, something that Fraser thought had been meant just for him. It could, he reflected, just have been chance. But a man who walked away from his career like that, a man who had gone to great lengths to disappear, why would a man like that come near a Police station? Fraser frowned. The only reason he could think of was that the man needed help. Fraser looked up at Ray. </p>
<p>"I think he's in trouble."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Trouble with Stanley Kowalski</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'Instead Ray had torn his badge from his pocket and slammed it down, letting his actions do the talking for him. He hadn't looked back.'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His heart was pumping furiously, his legs desperate for oxygen, breath coming out in pants and gasps, he lowered his head and ran faster. </p>
<p>But no matter how fast he ran he could get no closer to his destination. Now there was someone else there, someone at his side. Who was it? </p>
<p>Regardless, Ray ran on. A wall loomed in front of him, appearing from nowhere and he stumbled to a halt. Bending over, struggling to bring his breath under control, he felt a hand on his back. For a wonder the touch was welcome. When he looked up, still wheezing, he saw long brown boots, black pants with a wide yellow stripe that puffed out at the hip, and a red tunic. </p>
<p>With an effort and still wheezing, Ray straightened up. It was the Mountie, looking at Ray with such concern in his eyes that it put a lump in his throat. It was queer, he had only seen the man a couple of times but he felt like he knew him. </p>
<p>He woke with a start, staring into the darkness, his heart aching. He could hear the snores and indistinct murmurs of the sleeping men around him. </p>
<p>Down and outs, each one as hopeless as he was, as lost as he was. Their sleeping quarters was the ground floor of an old abandoned warehouse. There were worse places to sleep, although sometimes Ray wondered if the cost of sleeping here was worth it. </p>
<p>Careful not to wake the man lying barely two feet away from him, Ray sat up and hugged his knees. It had been so long since he'd had a decent night's sleep that he'd forgotten what if felt like. </p>
<p>When he dreamt he dreamt about that botched operation and its aftermath. Running after the boy, snatching him from danger and calling for help, even though he knew it would give him away. </p>
<p>He had barely escaped with his life and yet somehow all anyone seemed to care about was the wasted money. His Lieutenant had expected him to accept the dressing down, to apologise. Instead Ray had torn his badge from his pocket and slammed it down, letting his actions do the talking for him. He hadn't looked back. </p>
<p>Some nights he died, shocked awake with sweat on his forehead. Some nights the boy died, those nights he'd wake up shouting, fearful of what he might have said in his sleep. </p>
<p>Now it seemed the Mountie had taken over his dreams. Ray rested his chin on his knees and allowed himself a smile. He didn't know what the man's name was, it hadn't even occurred to him to ask, shocked as he was by the request to reveal his own identity. He would find out though, he could make that promise to himself, maybe he finally had a promise he could keep. </p>
<p>It was the middle of the night. Ray knew he should lie down again, try to get back to sleep, even a light doze would be better than nothing, but his brain was running at a million miles an hour and his legs were beginning to twitch. At one time he could have kept this under control but now he just needed to get up and walk. Hell, if he hadn't thought it would alert every cop within a ten mile radius, he would get up and run, just for the sheer pleasure of it, just for the release. </p>
<p>As quietly as he could Ray began to pull on his boots. </p>
<p>Then he froze, the man next to him had rolled over, mumbling something as he did so. Night time was never quiet in a place like this. Most of these men had pasts they spent the daylight hours trying to forgot, pasts that would always haunt them in their dreams. </p>
<p>"Where are you going?" The man who had been lying next to him, was sitting up, blanket pulled up under his chin. "O'Connell will want to know where you've gone." </p>
<p>"Tell him I had a family emergency." The itch to go was intensifying and Ray ground his teeth together in frustration. "I never promised to be here 24/7. Tell O'Connell whatever the fuck you want." Ray didn't want to have to explain his every move to the man. Whatever the ex-priest might say to him in private, Ray knew O'Connell didn't trust him, not fully. </p>
<p>"I just need some air, gets a bit close in here, all these bodies." </p>
<p>"A few more than when we started though." The man yawned and Ray might have recoiled from the fetid breath, except that he was so used to it that it no longer even registered, besides he doubted if his breath was any sweeter. </p>
<p>"Go back to sleep," Ray growled. "Let me worry about O'Connell." </p>
<p>The man lay back down, rolled in his blanket, and, Ray noted sourly, his as well. "Whatever you say, Pete." He was snoring again already. </p>
<p>After walking away from his life Ray had quickly realised he needed a new name. One of his old school friends had been called Pete and they had been best buddies for quite a while. Pete wouldn't have minded Ray borrowing his name. He'd chosen the surname Smith, anonymous and safe. </p>
<p>So why, Ray asked himself, as he strode away from the warehouse, arms wrapped tight around himself against the cold, had Pete Smith told the Mountie his name, his real name? </p>
<p>Was he looking to make a connection? And, if he was, did that mean he was trying to find a way back? A path out of the darkness? And was any of it fair? Every day he stood alongside men who had nothing else, no life, no hope, why should he be any different? </p>
<p>Of course that thought just brought him right back to O'Connell. The man, born in Dublin, raised in Detroit, had come to Chicago to take up a post as a Catholic priest. He had spent years, listening to confessions, giving children their first holy communion and doling out sandwiches and hot drinks to the hordes of homeless people who drifted past the church. </p>
<p>Eventually, or so he had told Ray, he decided that he needed to do something more. So, he resigned from the Church and used what little pension money he had to buy up the warehouse, so at the very least he could provide a safe place for the men to sleep. </p>
<p>He called them his flock and Ray had become a member of that flock early on in his time on the streets. He had been so far down at that point he hadn't thought that he would ever come back up. He had grasped at the chance he was offered with an eagerness that later on he found surprising. </p>
<p>He had been O'Connell's from that point on, been his in every way, but the lustre had begun to fade and the mission that had once seemed so extraordinary, was now merely tawdry. </p>
<p>"It's not enough anymore," Ray muttered the words to himself. </p>
<p>"Goddammit" He cried out as a stone sliced its way into his foot. </p>
<p>Balanced on one leg on the edge of the road, Ray inspected the damage. It felt worse than it actually was, but he'd worn a hole right through the sole of his left boot. </p>
<p>Ray rifled through his coat pockets. He had a pair of extra thick socks which he sometimes wore as gloves on the days he couldn't find shelter. He pulled a sock on and jammed his foot back into the boot. It wasn't a perfect solution and it would help not one bit if he stepped in a puddle, but for the moment it was all he could do. </p>
<p>He limped on. He had gone out walking just for the sake of walking, but now he had a destination in mind. </p>
<p>______<br/>The storage facility was brightly lit and Ray did his best to stick to the shadows. At this time of night there was only one employee present, and he would be snoozing in the office, feet up on the desk, a cup of cooling coffee next to him. </p>
<p>The unit that he thought of as his was just the other side of the security gate and he slipped through like a ghost. The unit was actually in the name of his ex-wife, Stella. Their marriage had imploded just a few short months before the undercover operation that had ended his career. </p>
<p>After he had walked out on his Lieutenant, his career and his life, he had persuaded Stella to let him use the unit. He had done something he wasn't proud of and used her guilt against her, but needs must when the Devil drives, as his mother would have said. </p>
<p>It didn't matter now anyway, although he had been careful to keep its existence from O'Connell. That had actually surprised him a little. But O'Connell didn't know who Ray had been and Ray had no intention of telling him. He owed him, if not his life then something, but not this. </p>
<p>It was his only link after all to his old life, to the man he had once been. Maybe that was why he'd told the Mountie who he was, did he want to become that man again, or was there another reason? </p>
<p>Ray shook his head and stuck a hand into a pocket, searching for the key to the padlock. He couldn't let himself get caught up in thoughts like this, they were dangerous, and he needed to stay focused, to do what had to be done. </p>
<p>Key found, padlock open, Ray stepped inside the unit. It was six feet square, with a corrugated metal ceiling that skimmed just above his head. It was lined with metal shelves, where all the paraphernalia of his old life was stored. </p>
<p>A flashlight sat just inside the door and Ray scooped it up, he needed to be quick. The boxes were arranged neatly in size order, Stella again, lids tightly closed. Ray ignored them, he hadn't come here to reminisce. </p>
<p>The box he wanted was small and stored as far away from the door as it was possible to get. Inside nestled in a bed of packing foam lay his Beretta. Ray picked it up, almost gently, and turned it over in his hands. Then, he tucked the pistol into the inside pocket of his coat. He could feel it pressed against his side and Ray shivered. </p>
<p>"Time to get this done."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. On the Trail</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'Fraser stopped walking and crouched down in front of the wolf. "I've already explained this once but I'll tell you again anyway. I need to find Ray Kowalski, he's in trouble and if I can help him then it's my duty to do so."'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been two days since Fraser had last seen Ray Kowalski. Two days, thirteen hours and thirty seven minutes to be precise, but of course Fraser wasn't being that precise. </p><p>"Don't look at me like that." The words were directed at Diefenbaker. The wolf seemed to think that wandering the streets of Chicago for three hours straight was excessive and might be considered by some to be borderline obsessive. </p><p>But he wasn't obsessed, was he? He was merely concerned for a fellow human being, that was all. He repeated those words to himself in a litany as he walked. Sooner or later he would find something. </p><p>"I could call Ray," Fraser offered, really Diefenbaker was being quite unreasonable. "Ask him to take you back to the apartment." </p><p>Diefenbaker whined. </p><p>"Or the consulate?" </p><p>Fraser stopped walking and crouched down in front of the wolf. "I've already explained this once but I'll tell you again anyway. I need to find Ray Kowalski, he's in trouble and if I can help him then it's my duty to do so." </p><p>Diefenbaker barked. </p><p>"That is the reason, the only reason, and I don't think the fact that I'm attracted to him is important. I'm sorry that you disagree." </p><p>Fraser stood up and adjusted his hat. He'd told Inspector Thatcher that he wouldn't be gone for long. He rubbed his cheek. Had he lied to her? Time was relative after all and if he was refering to a geological time scale then really he'd hardly been gone any time at all. Of course there was a flaw in that argument and if it had come out of the mouth of Ray he might have pointed out what that flaw was, but really it wasn't important enough to bring attention to. </p><p>"Hey, Fraser." </p><p>And there Ray was, as though thinking about the man had made him appear. Fraser looked sharply at Diefenbaker. No, that was ridiculous, his wolf had no more summoned Ray and the Riv than he had. </p><p>Fraser stopped and turned towards the kerb, waiting until Ray had come to a complete stop before approaching the car. </p><p>"Ray. I wasn't expecting to see you today." </p><p>Ray grinned. "Well, you know how it is, Benny, when you're out for a drive and you see your best friend, you tend to pull over and say hello." </p><p>"And hello to you too, Ray." Fraser waited patiently for Ray to drive off. </p><p>"I take it you're doing something important." Ray pushed open the passenger door and Diefenbaker leapt inside, settling himself down on the floor with a small accusatory woof. </p><p>"Are you getting in?" Ray looked from Diefenbaker to Fraser. </p><p>"I am actually busy right now, Ray. Perhaps you could take Diefenbaker back to my apartment for me." </p><p>Ray frowned. "I have a life too you know." </p><p>"I never said that you didn't." Fraser turned away, really Ray was being most aggravating. "I think Diefenbaker feels that I'm on a wild goose chase." </p><p>Ray climbed out of the car. "You're not going to find him like this. Chicago's a big place and he's just one man." </p><p>"A needle in a haystack." Fraser smiled. "I have to try." </p><p>Ray sighed. "You know this conversation would be a lot easier if we were sat in the car." </p><p>"All right, Ray." Fraser removed his hat and climbed into the car, seating himself in the back, since there was a wolf glowering at him in the front. </p><p>"So." Ray pulled the car door closed and twisted round to look at Fraser. "You want to tell me what's so important about this man?" </p><p>"I told you already, Ray. I think he's in trouble." </p><p>"There's a whole world of difference between thinking something and knowing it." Ray shook his head. "Explain it, Benny. Explain it and God help me, I will help you look. Did he say something, what?" </p><p>"He didn't say much at all. He told me his name. He said that I could call him Ray." </p><p>Ray laughed. "Ray? That's not going to get confusing, is it?" </p><p>Fraser frowned. "I'm quite capable of telling the two of you apart." </p><p>His hat was resting on the seat next to him and Fraser stared down at it, as he ordered his thoughts. </p><p>"Well?" </p><p>Fraser looked up at Ray, he had somehow to convince his friend of his need to find Ray Kowalski. "Do you know what I saw the first time I met him?" </p><p>Ray shrugged. "A down and out? Someone who could do with a bath?" </p><p>"No, Ray. When I looked into his eyes I saw a man who had been pushed to his limits, to beyond his limits, a man who despite everything was still standing." Fraser's voice was rising in both pitch and tempo. "But I also saw a man on the edge, a man who would topple over if someone didn't do something. He's a good man, Ray, and I want to help him." </p><p>"And you got all this from the two minutes you spent with him?" </p><p>"Yes." Fraser frowned, why didn't Ray understand how important this was? </p><p>"It's not possible to know someone after that short a time, Benny." Ray turned and put his hands on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. </p><p>"He's a good man, Ray. You said it yourself. You defended him to Lieutenant Welsh." </p><p>Ray bent his head. "I said he was a good cop. That doesn't mean he's a good man." </p><p>"Yes, it does." Fraser's voice was every bit as insistent as Ray's. </p><p>"No, it doesn't." Ray gave a heavy sigh. "And even if he is a good man, I don't think he's good enough." </p><p>Now Fraser was really confused. "Not good enough for what?" </p><p>Once more Ray twisted round in his seat and fixed Fraser with a glare. "He's not good enough for you." </p><p>"Oh." Fraser found he couldn't tear his gaze away from Ray, for a moment he was completely taken aback by the vehemence that he had heard in Ray's voice. Finally he looked away. "Don't you think that should be my decision?" </p><p>Ray closed his eyes, just for a moment. When he opened them again there was a look in them that Fraser didn't want to interpret. "I've got four words for you, Fraser. Victoria." </p><p>"That's only one word." </p><p>Ray twisted violently round in his seat and struck his hands against the steering wheel. "Ahhh, Fraser. I care about you and I can't watch you make the same mistakes again." </p><p>"Who says it would be a mistake?" </p><p>"You don't know him." </p><p>"Yes, Ray, I do. I already explained that." </p><p>"Staring into somebody's eyes for thirty seconds is not a reliable way to read someone's character." </p><p>Why wasn't Ray listening to him? What would he have to say to convince the man? "You can tell a lot by looking into a person's eyes." </p><p>Ray twisted round again. "I'm going to get a bad back if I keep doing this. Look, Fraser, I know Shakespeare said that the eyes are the window to the soul but I don't think you should be taking relationship advice from an 18th century poet." </p><p>Fraser shook his head. "Shakespeare's life spanned the 16th and 17th centuries and the quote didn't originate with Shakespeare." </p><p>"Really." Ray rolled his eyes. </p><p>"It was in fact Guillaume de Salluste Du Bartas, a 16th century French poet who wrote, 'those lovely lamps, those windows of the soul'. But the original idea is thought to date back to Cicero in the first century BC." </p><p>"And who was Cicero?" </p><p>Fraser smiled, he did rather enjoy having the chance to share his knowledge with Ray. "He was a Roman statesman, a lawyer in fact." </p><p>Ray huffed out a breath. "All you need to know about the guy in one word." </p><p>"There's a lot more to Cicero than that, Ray. He served as a Roman consul and was later assassinated on the command of Mark Anthony." </p><p>"So he got what he deserved. I think we're getting a little bit sidetracked here, don't you?" </p><p>Fraser took a moment to breathe. He needed his friend to help him find the man he was already thinking of as his Ray. Perhaps a more conciliatory approach might work. </p><p>"What have you been doing?" </p><p>"You mean in the time you've been wandering Chicago looking for your needle?" Ray sighed. "I've been interviewing witnesses. Four convenience stores got knocked over last night." </p><p>"Was it the same perpetrators in each case?" </p><p>"Unlikely. All the robberies occurred at the same time, virtually to the second." </p><p>"And the robbers? Did anyone get a good look at them?" </p><p>"A group of down and outs in each case, no one could give us any more of a description than that. The only other information we have to go on is that they were all armed." </p><p>Fraser sat up, his interest piqued. "All of them?" </p><p>"All armed with semi automatic weapons and new ones at that. In fact we have a better idea of what the guns looked like than the perps." </p><p>"It does seem a bit unusual." Fraser paused, turning his thoughts over in his mind. "You're sure they were down and outs?" </p><p>"Anyone can dress up in some old clothes, Fraser. It's called a disguise. What about you?" </p><p>A brief smile curled Fraser's lips. "Well, I wasn't just searching for a needle, Ray, I've been asking questions." </p><p>"So tell me something that's new." </p><p>Fraser gestured with one hand, although Ray, with a visible wince, had turned back round in his seat, and so didn't see it. "As you know, Ray, I have spent the morning on the trail of Stanley Raymond Kowalski. Now, I haven't found him yet but I have spoken to a number of his associates---" </p><p>"Associates? He's a bum." </p><p>Fraser ignored Ray's outburst. "None of them seemed to recognise his description but one of them gave me something he said might help." </p><p>"Well, what was it?" </p><p>"See for yourself." Fraser leant forward and passed a small piece of cardboard to Ray. "It appears to be a business card." </p><p>"A business card? Since when do down and outs carry business cards?" </p><p>"Maybe at the same time that they organise themselves to commit simultaneous armed robberies." </p><p>Ray's head was bent over the card. "You think the two things are connected?" </p><p>"I think it's highly likely. The man who gave me the card said that O'Connell was a saviour." </p><p>"He used those exact words?" Ray turned the Riv's ignition key. "Now we're getting somewhere. Let's go talk to this O'Connell, see what he has to say for himself."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Other Ways</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'He wanted to fold his arms around himself but that would result in the pistol digging into his ribs, which would remind him of the thing he had to do.'</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Mention of suicidal thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The water in Lake Michigan looked dark and cold. Ray sat on the edge of the dock and let his booted toes skim the surface of the water. He'd already made the decision, it was there, coiled at the back of his mind. It was huge and scary and he didn't want to go near it, not yet. To distract himself Ray thought about the first time he'd been in this exact spot, it seemed like a lifetime ago. </p>
<p>It had been maybe a month or so after he'd quit his job. Living on the streets it was so easy to lose track of time. He had come here fully intending to drown himself, and that wouldn't have been hard seeing as how he couldn't swim. </p>
<p>Despair, overwhelming and soul destroying, had taken hold of him. The knowledge that no one would miss him for more than the time it took to reheat a pizza, made killing himself seem like the right thing to do, the only solution. </p>
<p>Never having enough to eat, never feeling safe and the dreams. They were the worse thing. Waking up every night yelling and screaming was getting old very quickly and he had been banned from almost every over night shelter. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry." They always apologised as they closed the door on him. "You upset everyone, you're too volatile." That comment made him want to yell and throw a few punches, it wouldn't have changed the situation but it might have made him feel a bit better. </p>
<p>The realisation that he had nothing, that he would never again have anything, was what took him to Lake Michigan.  He had seen Stella, just that morning, beautiful as always in the sunlight. He had woken up, stiff necked and shaking, from a doze and there she was, wafting past him. She hadn't seen him, had walked past, barely two feet away from where he was sitting and she hadn't seen him. </p>
<p>He watched until she disappeared from view and then he stood up and walked, walked until his legs ached and his feet were sore, walked until he was standing on the same spot he was now, staring at the water. </p>
<p>"There are other ways you know." </p>
<p>He had almost jumped six feet in the air when O'Connell's hand had come down on his shoulder. Large fingers digging into the flesh, strong enough that even when the man let go of himRay could still feel his hand. </p>
<p>"Other ways?" Ray had twisted round, indignation on his face. Who was this man to interrupt him when he was about to make the biggest decision of his life? </p>
<p>"Then walking out into the water. You don't have to give in like that." </p>
<p>Ray had come over as aggressive as hell, shouting and swearing and O'Connell had stood, impassive, until he stopped, head drooping, like a wound down toy. </p>
<p>"Feel better?" </p>
<p>Ray shook his head. "No. Look, maybe you think you're doing a good deed here, but you're not." He looked up at the older man. The expression on his face was so singular that Ray just stared in confusion. Most people looked at him with fear or distaste, some even looked at him with compassion, most people looked through him all together, but this man was something new. </p>
<p>The man smiled. "My name's O'Connell." </p>
<p>He stuck out his hand and Ray shook it. O'Connell's grip was firm, his hand warm and his skin slightly greasy. It was a real touch of normality in the madness that was his life that he found he couldn't tear his eyes away from the man's face. </p>
<p>O'Connell had brown eyes, sitting admist a sea of laugh lines, his skin was slightly tanned and his hair had receded so far as to be virtually invisible. </p>
<p>The man cleared his throat. "It's customary when someone tells your their name to respond." </p>
<p>Ray's cheeks were hot. That was when he made the decision to change his name, to leave the past behind. </p>
<p>"Pete." Ray folded his arms around himself. "My name's Pete Smith." </p>
<p>"C'mon." O'Connell had smiled at him. "Let's go somewhere warmer and we can get acquainted." </p>
<p>There was no reason to resist, so with one last look at the waters of Lake Michigan, Ray had gone with O'Connell. </p>
<p>Over coffee and more food than he'd seen in a month, he had given the man a version of the truth and O'Connell had nodded and smiled and put his arm around Ray. </p>
<p>"You don't have to be out on the streets anymore," O'Connell's voice was silky smooth, compelling. "I've got a place, somewhere safe, if you want." </p>
<p>Ray closed his eyes. He thought about Stella, he thought about his job, he thought about how he had been rejected over and over. Here in the diner he could finally feel himself starting to warm up, he could feel O'Connell's fingers on his arm and found he had missed it, that he had actually missed being touched. He opened his eyes and tried to remember how to smile. </p>
<p>"Why not."<br/>____________<br/>Where had the time gone? Ray shivered. He wanted to fold his arms around himself but that would result in the pistol digging into his ribs, which would remind him of the thing he had to do. Maybe he could go back, put the Beretta away, throw away the key to the unit and forget it all. Let someone else take care of it, let someone else be responsible. It was tempting, almost as tempting as the urge to drown himself had been three years ago. </p>
<p>And what next? He didn't want to kill himself anymore. The chink of hope that O'Connell had given him, had grown bigger and stronger and he could actually think about a future for himself. </p>
<p>And what about the Mountie? Ray found that he was being haunted by thoughts of the man. Even his dreams usually full of destruction and darkness had been forced to yield. That must be significant. </p>
<p>The man had taken his hand and helped him to his feet, and they had gazed into each other's eyes. Ray had experienced a spark of recognition, a spark that he had only experienced once before, when he had seen Stella for the first time. </p>
<p>Ray groaned, he didn't want to admit the attraction, not yet, not while he still had unfinished business with O'Connell. Besides which, what right did he have to assume that the Mountie felt the same way? They had spent virtually no time together. So, Ray wondered, why was it that he wanted to see the man again so badly, why did he have such a desire to see what was under that uniform? </p>
<p>"Hold that thought," he muttered, pulling himself up. "First deal with O'Connell, and then you can worry about the rest." </p>
<p>______________<br/>The warehouse seemed deathly quiet when Ray finally limped in through the side door. </p>
<p>A couple of the men raised their heads to look up as he walked past but nobody greeted him, nobody gave him more than a quick glance. </p>
<p>Something was wrong and now he found the presence of the Beretta in his coat comforting. </p>
<p>As he made his way up the narrow flight of stairs to O'Connell's office he had to force his hand away from the gun. He had to play it dumb, just for a little while longer. </p>
<p>"O'Connell," he called out to the man, keeping his tone light, his expression neutral. " I'm sorry. I got a hole in my boot, otherwise I would have been back ages ago." He waggled the evidence in O'Connell's direction, but the man seemed unimpressed. </p>
<p>"Steve." O'Connell addressed the other man in the room. "If you could give Pete and me some privacy, please." </p>
<p>Once Steve had clattered his way down the stairs, O'Connell turned towards Ray. "Well?" </p>
<p>A cold sensation flooded Ray's stomach. "Everything all right?" </p>
<p>O'Connell looked at him, an absolutely furious expression on his face. "Someone's been asking questions about you." </p>
<p>Ray kept his face blank, he hadn't got a clue what O'Connell was talking about. </p>
<p>"A cop has been asking questions about you." Another pause. "A cop in a red coat." </p>
<p>The Mountie, it had to be him, but Ray shook his head. If he had ever been any good at being undercover now was the time to put his skills to good use. </p>
<p>"You want to tell me why?" O'Connell had come to stand at his side and then the man struck out with one hand, so fast Ray didn't have time to react. "I thought I told you that there would be consequences if you got arrested again." </p>
<p>"I didn't get arrested." The injustice of the accusation hurt more than the blow had. Ray put his fingers to his lip, they came away covered in blood. "I've been keeping out of trouble, just like you told me." </p>
<p>"Liar." O'Connell raised his hand and Ray flinched, the second blow always hurt more than the first. </p>
<p>The cut on his cheek stung and Ray shook his head, trying to reorientate himself. </p>
<p>"I wouldn't lie to you, O'Connell, you know that." Ray put an apologetic smile on his face. He reached out towards the older man with one hand, putting the other inside his coat, finding his gun. </p>
<p>"Hey, boss, there are a couple of cops here asking for you." </p>
<p>Caught out Ray stuck his hand in his coat pocket as though that was what he had been intending to do all along. </p>
<p>He could hear footsteps on the stairs and he backed away, trying to fade into the background as much as he could. This was an unexpected development and he knew O'Connell would blame him. Maybe he could find some way to slip away. </p>
<p>"Thank you kindly." </p>
<p>Ray froze, he recognised that voice. Ray turned around so he was facing away from the stairs. He needed to rethink this whole thing and he needed to rethink it fast. </p>
<p>"You must be Mister O'Connell. " </p>
<p>Ray didn't recognise that voice. He turned around just enough to see a tall man in a long coat, hair swept back and a beak-like nose. Next to him Ray saw the red coat of the Mountie and he turned away, his heart in his mouth. </p>
<p>"It's just O'Connell and you are?" </p>
<p>"Detective Vecchio and this is Constable Fraser. We just wanted to ask you a few questions." </p>
<p>"I'm always happy to help the Police." O'Connell was putting on his most welcoming voice. </p>
<p>Ray winced, at one time that voice had taken him in too. </p>
<p>"It's quite a set up you have here." The detective sounded full of admiration. </p>
<p>"I'm just trying to give back to the community, detective." </p>
<p>Ray heard footsteps behind him and then felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He twisted round. Fraser, that was what the detective had called him, was standing behind him, his eyes widening, no doubt in response to the state of Ray's face. </p>
<p>Ray looked at Fraser, he couldn't risk saying anything out loud. Instead he let his coat fall open, just enough so that Fraser could see the gun. </p>
<p>"Ray." Fraser called out and the detective talking to O'Connell spun around. His gun was in his hand so fast that Ray was quietly impressed. </p>
<p>"On the ground, hands away from the body. On the ground." </p>
<p>Ray complied, hoping that the look on his face was suitably fearful. Spreading his arms wide he waited for Vecchio to take his gun. He cried out as his arms were wrenched backwards so he could be cuffed. Then he was being dragged to his feet and forcibly marched down the staircase and out of the building. </p>
<p>He was careful not to look at anyone as he went, although he was acutely aware of Fraser walking just in front of him. </p>
<p>Maybe, he reflected,  O'Connell had been right after all and there were indeed other ways to do things.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Ripples</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'Finally Ray looked up. "Ripples." Ray held up his cup and shook it from side to side. "Changing things, even when you don't want them too."'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Ray." Fraser looked up as Ray strode towards him. </p>
<p>"Pete Smith." Ray put the sheet of paper he was carrying down on his desk, turning it so Fraser could read the information on it. "He's been arrested so many times I'm surprised he doesn't have a cell with his name on the door." </p>
<p>Fraser frowned. "And you're sure about the identification?" </p>
<p>"Fingerprints don't lie." Ray stabbed his finger down on the paper. "Petty theft, petty theft and just for a change petty theft." </p>
<p>"No fire arms offences?" Fraser looked up at Ray. "Perhaps it's not important but don't you think it's interesting that all the offences were committed almost exactly two months apart?" </p>
<p>"Look, Fraser. I know you think that man is Stanley Kowalski, and maybe that's what he told you, but the evidence says otherwise. You're looking for things that just aren't there." </p>
<p>"I'd like to talk to him." </p>
<p>"He's in the holding cell." </p>
<p>"Please, Ray." </p>
<p>Ray sighed. "I'll see what I can do." Ray sat back in his chair. "It's been a long day. You want me to take you home?" </p>
<p>"Not until I've spoken to Ray." </p>
<p>His friend sighed. "All right." He stood up. "I'll go and twist some arms." </p>
<p>________________<br/>Ray had been as good as his word and had Ray Kowalski brought up to an interview room. </p>
<p>"Be careful." Ray paused, his hand on the door, preventing Fraser from entering the room. </p>
<p>"I'll be fine, Ray." </p>
<p>"Will you?" Ray stood looking at Fraser, still not moving. "You've built this guy up in your mind, Fraser. It doesn't mean you know him." </p>
<p>"Then I should talk to him, shouldn't I?" His logic was flawless. Ray was, as usual, worrying over nothing. </p>
<p>"Twenty minutes." Ray held up one hand, fingers spread. "That's it." </p>
<p>"Thanks, Ray." </p>
<p>____________<br/>Fraser stood at the door, simply observing for a few moments. The man he knew as Ray Kowalski was sitting, slumped in the chair. His head was bent, so Fraser couldn't see if his eyes were open, but his left leg was bouncing up and down. </p>
<p>The scrape as Fraser pushed the door open was loud enough to make Ray's head straighten up, the expression on his face was blank, as though he had stopped thinking altogether. </p>
<p>"You don't mind if I come in and talk to you?" </p>
<p>A brief look of surprise flared on the man's face. "Do I have a choice?" </p>
<p>"I'm not a police officer in this jurisdiction so yes, you have a choice." Fraser stepped further into the room and shut the door behind him. He pulled out a chair and seated himself just an arm's length away from Ray. The wounds on his face had been treated, but they were still showing  livid red against Ray's pale skin. Fraser couldn't help but feel a wave of anger towards the man who had inflicted them. </p>
<p>"Do they hurt?" </p>
<p>Ray raised a hand but he didn't touch his face. "A little. I've had worse." </p>
<p>"From O'Connell?" Fraser watched the micro expressions on Ray's face. The man was fascinating, Fraser could practically see the thoughts rushing through his brain. </p>
<p>"Detective Vecchio called you Constable Fraser, do you have a first name?" </p>
<p>His question had been neatly sidestepped, but it was probably best not to push Ray on the details of what his life had been like recently. There would, Fraser hoped, be plenty of time for that later. "Benton, I'm Benton Fraser." </p>
<p>Ray smiled. "Benton. Can I call you Ben?" </p>
<p>"I would be honoured." </p>
<p>The smile on Ray's face had faded, too quickly, but the man was looking a little more relaxed now, his left leg finally still. </p>
<p>There was a cup of water sitting on the table next to Ray. Fraser watched as the man picked it up. He didn't raise it to his lips but instead stared into the cup. He sloshed the liquid, waited for it to resettle and then sloshed it again. </p>
<p>"Your arrest record gives your name as Pete Smith." Fraser's statement made Ray pause in his agitation of the water. Fraser said nothing, hoping for a response but after a beat or two Ray went back to shaking the cup. "That's not the name you gave me." </p>
<p>Finally Ray looked up. "Ripples." Ray held up his cup and shook it from side to side. "Changing things, even when you don't want them too." </p>
<p>Fraser nodded. "No man is an island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." </p>
<p>"I know that one," Ray said. "Simon and Garfunkel." </p>
<p>"Actually it was John Donne in 1624." </p>
<p>Ray's lips curved into a grin but it didn't last long and left Fraser unsure as to whether or not Ray had been joking. </p>
<p>"When O'Connell came along I thought I was being offered a chance to leave my past behind. I told him I was Pete Smith, I wanted to be Pete Smith." Ray stopped talking and drank the water, his left leg had resumed bouncing. "'Cept you can't leave the past behind, 'cause it's in your skin, it stays with you. That's what I've learnt over the past three years." Ray paused and looked straight at Fraser. The Mountie caught his breath at the look in Ray's eyes. "I tried to walk away, but the further I walked the closer I got." Ray grinned. "Pretty stupid huh?" </p>
<p>Fraser could see the conflict on Ray's face and the hurt. </p>
<p>"And now?" He wasn't entirely sure what Ray was saying but his heart ached for the man. </p>
<p>Ray ran a hand across his head and fixed his gaze on Fraser. "It took me a long time to realise who O'Connell was. I was too fixated on the fact that he'd saved me." </p>
<p>Fraser felt a stab of jealousy at the words. "Why did you tell me your real name?" Fraser wanted more than anything to take Ray's hand but he didn't want to startle the man and he was afraid if he pushed too hard Ray would shut down altogether. </p>
<p>Then Ray laughed, it was a wonderful sound. </p>
<p>"I don't know." Ray sat in silence for a few moments and then he looked up. Fraser could see how flushed his cheeks were. "You took me by surprise, Ben." </p>
<p>Oh but hearing Ray say his name made his heart beat faster. </p>
<p>"I never expected to meet someone like you." The man bit his lip and Fraser clenched his fists. "You felt it too, didn't you? A spark?" </p>
<p>"A recognition." </p>
<p>"Right. Like we already knew each other." Ray's eyes were wide with wonder and Fraser could feel the heat rising in his face. "Do you believe in that, Ben? Rein... what's the word?" </p>
<p>"Reincarnation." </p>
<p>"Two souls torn apart." Ray smiled. "I like that idea. Makes it seem as though there's some sense in this world." </p>
<p>"I..." But Fraser didn't get to finish what he had been about to say when Ray pushed his head around the door. </p>
<p>"Time's up, Benny. And Welsh wants to speak to us." </p>
<p>"I have to go." Fraser stood up. Ray's face had gone blank again. </p>
<p>Ray shrugged. "Thanks. For treating me like a human being. Not many people do." </p>
<p>Fraser smiled. "I'll come back as soon as I can." </p>
<p>_______<br/>"Prepare yourself, Fraser," Ray warned as the two men walked towards the lieutenant's office. "Welsh is not happy." </p>
<p>The point was demonstrated when Lieutenant Welsh yanked open his office door. "Vecchio! Get in here." </p>
<p>"See?" Ray nodded his head at Fraser and then continued his amble towards the Lieutenant. </p>
<p>Fraser walked just a step behind him. His stomach was beginning to churn and so he put on his best Mountie face. If he was going to be reprimanded for something he could at least respond with dignity. </p>
<p>"You want to tell me what the hell you're playing at?" The words were out of Welsh's mouth before Fraser had even pulled the door closed behind him. </p>
<p>"I'm not playing at anything, sir." </p>
<p>"Then what were you doing questioning O'Connell?" Welsh was standing right in front of Ray, but the detective was still managing to keep his gaze fixed on a point to the right of Welsh's head. </p>
<p>"I didn't know I wasn't supposed to." </p>
<p>"If I may say something, Lieutenant." Fraser felt he should speak up in defence of his friend. "Detective Vecchio only went to see Mr O'Connell because I thought he might be able to help us track down Stanley Kowalski." </p>
<p>"I'm glad you've brought that up." Welsh now turned his ire onto Fraser. "Would you mind telling me why you're so fixated on this particular man." </p>
<p>"I believe he's in trouble." </p>
<p>"And what are you basing this belief on?" </p>
<p>Fraser opened his mouth to answer and then he closed it again. He wasn't sure that Lieutenant Welsh would look too kindly on Fraser's explanation, based as it was on a less than two minute encounter. "I'd rather not say, sir." </p>
<p>Welsh sank down behind his desk with a sigh. "Thanks to you, Constable, we are on the verge of ruining an operation that has been running for approximately two years now." </p>
<p>"We are?" Fraser looked from Lieutenant Welsh to Ray, his friend was scowling, perhaps he should let Ray say something. </p>
<p>"Why weren't we made aware of this operation, sir?" </p>
<p>"It's strictly need to know." Welsh picked up the cup on the desk next to him and then put it down again with a sigh. "Up until an hour ago I didn't know either." </p>
<p>"And this operation has something to do with Ray Kowalski?" Fraser thought back to the man sitting in the interview room, leg bouncing uncontrollably. </p>
<p>"I can give you a few details." Welsh glanced around as if he were checking that no one was listening in on them. "Mainly because this is all on us now." </p>
<p>"Sir?" </p>
<p>"Sit down, Vecchio, you too, Constable." Welsh frowned. "According to Commander O'Neil it's now up to us to bring in O'Connell. I think her exact words were, 'send Detective Vecchio to get him, unless of course he's too busy learning to tie his shoes'." Welsh frowned. </p>
<p>"On what charge, sir?" Even seated Ray was still staring just past the lieutenant's right ear. </p>
<p>"Assault perhaps?" Fraser was thinking about Ray's face. </p>
<p>Welsh shrugged. "Assault, buying and selling illegal weapons, buying and selling drugs, running an organised crime syndicate. We could be here all week, and that's just the crimes we know about." </p>
<p>"We've got evidence of all of this?" Ray sounded sceptical and Fraser couldn't exactly blame him, it did sound a little farfetched. "The guy's running a mission for the homeless." </p>
<p>"It would make a good cover, Ray," Fraser said. "What about last night's armed robberies?" </p>
<p>"We've got evidence, thanks in the most part to Ray Kowalski." Welsh looked at Fraser. "He's been part of Operation Lone Wolf practically since the beginning. In actual fact he was the inspiration." </p>
<p>"I see." Fraser clenched his fists, although he was careful not to let anyone notice. He brought up a picture in his mind of Ray's face, the livid marks on his face and he remembered the look of fear in his eyes when Fraser had mentioned O'Connell. "You can't send him back." </p>
<p>Welsh didn't miss a beat. "I don't intend to. His arrest takes Kowalski out of the picture and hopefully O'Connell hasn't been spooked." </p>
<p>"So what now, sir?" Ray finally looked at Welsh and Fraser, attuned as he was to his partner's moods, could practically see the tension thrumming inside him. </p>
<p>"Tomorrow you and Huey can go pick O'Connell up. Until then, go home." </p>
<p>Ray stood up and Fraser followed suit although he hesitated just outside the office door, turning back to Welsh. </p>
<p>"Could I ask you for a small favour, Lieutenant?" </p>
<p>___________<br/>Ray was still sitting in the same interview room as before. The only difference was that the man had moved from the chair to the floor, and was sitting head in hands. </p>
<p>"Ray." </p>
<p>The head flew upwards. </p>
<p>Fraser found his heart was beating hard in his chest and he swallowed and pushed the door open a little wider. </p>
<p>"Would you like to get something to eat with me?" </p>
<p>A radiant smile appeared on Ray's face and left Fraser stunned by the man's beauty. </p>
<p>"Yeah. I'd like that."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Confluence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'Ray folded his arms around himself as he watched Fraser move around his apartment. His movements were careful, precise. /I wonder if he makes love like that./'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ray hunched his shoulders as he walked into Fraser's apartment. It wasn't at all luxurious, although given Ray's recent accommodations it might as well have been Buckingham Palace. But he felt it suited the man he was slowly getting to know. Diefenbaker pushed past his legs and settled himself down, looking up at Ray as if saying, /at least close the door./ </p>
<p>"Would you like a drink?" Fraser's question pulled his attention back to the man. "I'm afraid I don't have anything alcoholic." </p>
<p>Ray shook his head. "I try to stay away from alcohol anyway, thanks." A pause. "No, don't need a drink." He moved further into the room, all the time aware of Fraser's eyes on him. </p>
<p>The meal had gone well, surprisingly well considering how long it had been since Ray had done anything that might be considered remotely sociable. Fraser had told long complicated stories about his life in the Northwest Territories and Ray had sat, listening and trying not to eat too quickly. He hadn't wanted the meal to end, watching Fraser talk, his eyes alight with the memories of his childhood. Take me there, Ray had wanted to say, let's just go. But he didn't say anything. Even if Fraser wanted to go back, and Ray didn't believe that he wouldn't, Ray himself wouldn't be going anywhere for quite some time, that was a sobering thought and had he been drinking would have rendered the effect of the alcohol meaningless. </p>
<p>When Fraser had asked him if he wanted to spend the night at his apartment, Ray's stomach had started to churn. The choice wasn't difficult since the only other option open to him was to go back to the 27th. Ray really didn't want to spend the night in a cell. </p>
<p>"Sure." Ray had smiled. "That sounds great." Was that a look of apprehension that had scuttled across the Mountie's face so fast he thought he'd imagined it? </p>
<p>They had walked through the darkening streets of Chicago. Ray and Fraser, side by side, as if it had always been that way. </p>
<p>Outside a shoe store Fraser halted and told Diefenbaker to wait. </p>
<p>Ray had hesitated when Fraser pulled the door open for him. </p>
<p>"You need new boots."<br/>___________<br/>Ray folded his arms around himself as he watched Fraser move around his apartment. His movements were careful, precise. /I wonder if he makes love like that./ </p>
<p>"Make yourself at home," Fraser said, smiling at Ray. Then he began the process of removing his tunic, Ray watched, fascinated. The next things were the boots and Ray forced himself to look away. </p>
<p>Clad in just his uniform pants and white under shirt Fraser moved across the room to pick up his bed roll. </p>
<p>Ray could feel not only his cheeks but other parts of his body heating up and he cleared his throat. "It's a little early for sleeping." </p>
<p>Fraser turned towards Ray. "You had something else in mind?" </p>
<p>If he didn't make a move now he never would. Ray took all his courage and walked the short distance to where Fraser was standing. </p>
<p>"I wanted to say thank you." He was standing so close to Fraser he could feel the man's breath on his face and see the colour rising in his cheeks. Closer still and he could feel other reactions from Fraser, hear the suddenly racing heartbeat and below that feel a growing pressure that made him think that the Mountie must want this every bit as much as he did. </p>
<p>Ray had forgotten how wonderful that first passionate kiss could be. His lips, warm against Fraser's, parted and Fraser's tongue darted into his mouth. He could feel all the Mountie's considerable strength. There was a wall just behind him and Ray let himself be pushed back against it while the kiss deepened and Ray, unashamedly, thrust his erection against Fraser. </p>
<p>For a moment Ray thought that Fraser would return the favour but instead the man broke the kiss, backing away to give Ray breathing room. </p>
<p>"Are you sure about this?" Fraser's voice was a little husky, his cheeks flushed. "This is what you want?" </p>
<p>Fuck, yes. That was what Ray wanted to say but he was beginning to realise just how analytical Fraser's mind was. He needed to give the man a more measured response, one that Fraser could believe was sincere, rather than one made during the heat of the moment. </p>
<p>"Ben." Ray raised his right hand and traced the outline of Fraser's face. "I want this more than anything. Meeting you gave me a reason to believe I could move on, that I could go back to being Ray, I could finally be me again." </p>
<p>Fraser's tongue moved across his lips while Ray was speaking and it made him want to kiss the Mountie again. But before he could act on his thoughts Fraser had backed away. It was only a couple of steps but right then it seemed as wide as the Mariana Trench. </p>
<p>"I need to be sure." Fraser rubbed at his eyebrow as though it itched, it was an endearing quirk and one Ray hoped to see more of. A moment ago Fraser had kissed him and it felt as though everything was finally going to be all right. Now, Ray was no longer so certain. </p>
<p>"How about we just concentrate on now." Ray was careful not to move towards Fraser, the man had a look in his eyes that suggested he was about to shut Ray out altogether. "Deal with what's right in front of us. I'm nervous too." Ray smiled. "One step at a time, Ben." </p>
<p>Fraser's move caught him off guard. The man came towards him so swiftly he was completely unprepared. </p>
<p>The kiss was almost savage in its intensity. Fraser had obviously made up his mind and there would be no going back. Not that Ray wanted to go back and he was more than willing to raise up his arms and let Fraser strip his shirt off him. </p>
<p>The pants were the next to go and, in the tiny part of Ray's brain that was still capable of thought, he couldn't help but note that Fraser was still clothed. </p>
<p>Now the Mountie was kneeling in front of him and Ray, who up till this point had been feeling fairly in control, realised he wasn't. </p>
<p>As Fraser's tongue drew wet circles around the tip of his erection Ray groaned and pushed his hands into Fraser's hair. </p>
<p>Fraser seemed not to notice and Ray leant back against the wall, closing his eyes, giving himself up to a universe of sensations that exploded in his brain like fireworks. </p>
<p>Ray curled his fingers into the Mountie's hair as Fraser took even more of Ray into his mouth. </p>
<p>"Ben. Please." The words were almost incoherent and Ray cried out as he felt himself nearing his climax. </p>
<p>He could barely stand anymore, his legs buckling beneath him, and then he was being supported by Fraser's arms and being looked at as though he were the only man in the world. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before. </p>
<p>Now he was lying back on the bed, watching as Fraser removed the rest of his clothing. He twisted onto his side and wrapped his arms around Fraser. </p>
<p>Holding the man like this felt so different from what he had been used to. Fraser's muscles taut under the smooth skin, Fraser's cock pressed against his stomach, Fraser's lips and then his tongue as they kissed and Ray tasted himself. Fraser was moving, thrusting against him and despite everything Ray couldn't help but reflect that making love to Stella had never been like this, and O'Connell... </p>
<p>"Ray." There was concern, thick in Fraser's voice and Ray realised he was crying. Tears rolling down his face, his shoulders beginning to shake and Fraser was holding him, just holding him through the storm. </p>
<p>Ray cried and Fraser held him. </p>
<p>They fell asleep like that, wrapped up together, Ray's face still wet from his tears. </p>
<p>Later when Ray woke he wiped away the last trace of moisture and lay, just listening to Fraser's breathing. He felt he could lie beside Fraser forever. </p>
<p>But even here, even being next to the man who had turned his world upside down, he couldn't settle. </p>
<p>Careful and with skill born of long practice Ray rolled off the bed and dressed quickly. </p>
<p>"Hey, Dief." The wolf was regarding him coolly but Ray didn't feel he knew him well enough to pet him. "I'm just going out for a walk. If Ben wakes up, can you tell him." It felt decidedly weird to be talking to the wolf as though he were a person, but then he would be back before Fraser woke up. He just had to scratch the itch, that was all. </p>
<p>________<br/>He'd been walking faster than he would have normally and it felt good, long strides eating up the distance, the itch in his head lessening with each step. </p>
<p>Time to go back and he was only a block away from Fraser's apartment now. Ray smiled and stuck his hands into his coat pockets. He could see the sky above his head beginning to lighten. </p>
<p>"It's going to be a beautiful day." </p>
<p>"Hey!" </p>
<p>The shout was amplified in the otherwise quiet street and Ray stopped, turning towards the direction it had come from. </p>
<p>"Hey, Pete." </p>
<p>Ray froze. He could see them now, a nearby streetlight illuminated their faces. There were three men, no, make that four, walking towards him. Maybe he should feel flattered that O'Connell obviously wanted him so badly. </p>
<p>"O'Connell wants a word with you." Jimmy, the youngest of the four, and someone that Ray had tried to take under his wing, put a hand on his arm. He could have shaken it off but he would never be able to fight off all of them. </p>
<p>Ray sighed and spared a thought for Fraser, what would the man think when he woke up alone? Then he let himself be led away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Out of the Frying Pan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'"No, Ray, I am not all right." Fraser looked up at his friend, he knew he was a long way from the well groomed and in control Mountie that his friend normally saw, but waking up to find Ray gone had shaken him to the core.'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fraser, are you in there?" </p><p>It was Ray, but not the Ray he was hoping for. </p><p>"Come in." Fraser busied himself washing out Diefenbaker's bowl, he hadn't been able to bring himself to eat anything. </p><p>"What's the hold up, Benny? Welsh was expecting us ten minutes ago." Ray pushed his way through the door, scanning Fraser's apartment as he did so. "Where is he?" Ray looked at Fraser but the Mountie avoided his friend's gaze. "He stayed the night with you, didn't he?" </p><p>Fraser sank down onto his bed, Ray's scent was still on the sheets, so he knew he hadn't imagined the man's presence or the things they had done. </p><p>"I've lost him." </p><p>"Lost?" </p><p>"Misplaced, mislaid, vanished." Fraser waved a hand in the air. </p><p>"Benny, are you all right?" </p><p>"No, Ray. I am not all right." Fraser looked up at his friend, he knew he was a long way from the well groomed and in control Mountie that his friend normally saw, but waking up to find Ray gone had shaken him to the core. Had he done something wrong, said something wrong perhaps? Had he forced himself on Ray? Made it impossible for the man to say no? Is that why he had left? But that wasn't a discussion he could have with Ray, this Ray, so instead Fraser decided to focus on the things he could talk about. </p><p>Ray was looking at him. /He's probably waiting for me to say something else./ Fraser looked away. </p><p>"Okay." Ray sighed. "Let's start from the beginning shall we? Kowalski was here last night?" </p><p>Fraser nodded, still not making eye contact with his friend. "It was here or the 27th." Would Ray think he was being critical? Last night when they had discussed arrangements with Welsh, the offer of a room at the Vecchio house had not been made. It wouldn't have been a good idea anyway, Fraser could not imagine that Ray would have been up to dealing with all the Vecchio madness. </p><p>"He slept here?" </p><p>"After the meal we came back here. We..." Fraser coloured, that was something he should keep to himself. "We went to sleep, when I woke up he was gone." </p><p>"Okay." Ray didn't sound overly worried. The man began to prowl around the apartment. "He left this behind." </p><p>"What?" Fraser was on his feet. </p><p>Ray held out the shirt and Fraser snatched it from him. "He was wearing that yesterday, wasn't he?" </p><p>"Yes." Fraser turned the garment over in his hands, resisting the urge to put it up to his nose so he could smell it. </p><p>"So he was obviously expecting to come back." Ray smiled and then he frowned. "So, if he was expecting to come back, why isn't he back?" </p><p>"Something or somebody prevented him." His brain seemed to be moving with glacial speed. Fraser put Ray's shirt down onto his ironing board, smoothing out the creases with one hand. </p><p>"So..." </p><p>"We should go and find him." Glad to have something to do, Fraser picked up the shirt and held it out for Diefenbaker to sniff. </p><p>Ray grinned. "And let's hope we do, find him that is. I really don't want to have to tell Welsh that we lost his star witness." </p><p>__________<br/>
Diefenbaker had led them on quite a chase through the streets. Finally when they were no more than a block away from Fraser's apartment the wolf stopped, sat down and barked at Fraser. </p><p>"What?" Ray spread his hands wide. </p><p>"Up until now," Fraser said. "Ray was on his own. He met somebody here, more than one somebody." </p><p>Diefenbaker whined. </p><p>"Yes." Fraser nodded and knelt down next to his wolf. "Ah." He ran a finger along the ground and then raised it to his nose. "Interesting." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Someone was standing here, someone who had fish scales stuck to their shoes." Fraser stood up. </p><p>"So?" </p><p>"Try thinking back, Ray. Back to O'Connell's warehouse, remember anything?" </p><p>"It smelt of fish." </p><p>"Precisely. Now the warehouse must in the past have been used at the very least for the storage of fish. So, I'm guessing that Ray was intercepted by one or several of O'Connell's men." Fraser looked at Ray but the other man just shook his head. </p><p>"But Kowalski was in that warehouse too, remember? Those scales could just have come off his boots." </p><p>"No, they couldn't." </p><p>"Fraser---" </p><p>"Ray, the second time I met Ray I noticed the soles of his boots were wearing thin. He obviously does a lot of walking." </p><p>"How? How could you tell they were thin? He picked his feet up so you could inspect them?" </p><p>"No, of course not, it was by the sound they made. Anyway, by the time you arrested him he had a hole in one of his boots." Fraser turned and looked along the street, then he looked back at Ray. "Yesterday I bought him new boots. So, the fish scales could not possibly have been tracked here by Ray." He was feeling a lot better now. The fear that he had driven Ray away was gone. Of course on its heels was the fear of what O'Connell might have in store for the man. "Dief." </p><p>The wolf bounded to his feet and, nose to ground, resumed his tracking. Then he stopped and looked back at Fraser. </p><p>"This is where the trail ends." Fraser looked at Ray. "They must have had a vehicle here." </p><p>Ray sighed, he looked deeply unhappy. "We'll have to talk to Welsh." </p><p>_______<br/>
"You're late, detective." Lieutenant Welsh did not sound happy and Fraser steeled himself for the coming encounter. "Please tell me Kowalski's in the can." </p><p>"I'm afraid not, sir." Ray glanced at Fraser. "In fact we may have a small problem." </p><p>"Oh?" Welsh sounded unimpressed and he stood back, scowling while Fraser and Ray preceded him into his office. </p><p>"I'm afraid we've lost him." </p><p>"What?" Welsh rounded on Ray. </p><p>"It was my fault, Lieutenant." Fraser couldn't let Ray take the blame for this. </p><p>"You just let him wander off on his own?" </p><p>"I'm sorry." Fraser looked down at the floor and then back up at Welsh. "I should have been paying more attention." </p><p>"More attention to what?" Ray asked. "How were you supposed to know he would run off in the middle of the night?" </p><p>It was nice that Ray was leaping to his defence, even though he didn't deserve it. "You recall, Ray, his leg? Bouncing up and down when he was in the interview room?" </p><p>"So, he was nervous." </p><p>"And when we were eating I could hear him bouncing his feet against the floor. I believe Ray Kowalski has ADHD." Fraser paused and looked at Welsh. </p><p>"Benny, that's just a jumble of letters." </p><p>"Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  I also think that Ray, given his history, is also suffering from PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I should have noticed sooner. Then perhaps I could have kept him safe." It would seem that his attraction to Ray had led him to overlook things that he now wished he hadn't overlooked. Silently, Fraser reprimanded himself. </p><p>"Well." Welsh had his gaze fixed on Fraser. "There's nothing we can do about that now." </p><p>"We believe O'Connell took him." </p><p>"In that case," Welsh looked from Fraser to Ray. "You can retrieve Kowalski when you go and arrest O'Connell." </p><p>"Yes, sir." There was a scowl on Ray's face. </p><p>"If I might say something, Lieutenant." </p><p>"Spit it out, Constable." </p><p>"I don't think that would be a wise course of action, sir." </p><p>"You don't?" </p><p>"No, sir. I think if you go in all guns blazing, as it were, to arrest O'Connell, that in retaliation he may very well kill Ray Kowalski." Fraser rubbed a finger over an eyebrow. "My concern is that O'Connell may have worked out that there is more to Pete Smith than he had hitherto been aware of. Ray could well be in considerable danger." </p><p>"In that case," Ray growled. "Kowalski might already be dead." </p><p>"I don't think so, Ray. I suspect that O'Connell has a soft spot where Ray is concerned. He won't want to kill him unless there is no other option." He was right, he knew he was right, he had to be right. </p><p>"So, what are you suggesting, Constable?" Welsh had his arms folded across his chest. "We need to bring this thing to an end, one way or another." </p><p>"I'll go into the warehouse undercover. I can find Ray and get him out before your men descend." </p><p>Ray shook his head. "I don't like it, Benny. You've been in that warehouse, and O'Connell's seen your face." </p><p>"I won't go near O'Connell. I'll just be another down and out looking for a place to sleep. I won't be in there long enough for anyone to recognise me." Fraser took a deep breath and let it out slowly. </p><p>"You really want to do this?" Welsh asked. </p><p>"Yes, sir. I believe it's our best chance to rescue Ray." </p><p>"All right." Welsh looked down at his desk and Fraser could see the frown on his face. "Be careful." </p><p>"I'll do my best." </p><p>________<br/>
There were a few men milling about outside the warehouse as Fraser got closer. Head down, and cap pulled low over his face he nevertheless contrived to scrutinise each man as he passed them. There was little doubt in his mind that none of them would be Ray, but he checked anyway. </p><p>"You've got an hour, Benny," Ray had reminded him as Fraser climbed out of the Riv. "No heroics, okay?" </p><p>"Of course not." </p><p>/If I do find Ray what will happen next, I wonder./ Fraser's thoughts tumbled over themselves in his mind as he walked. /Just because Ray had been willing to be with me one time doesn't mean he'll want to be with me again. It doesn't even mean,/ and this thought was not one Fraser wanted to contemplate, /that he'll want anything to do with me./ With an effort Fraser pushed his thoughts away. At this moment in time he needed to concentrate, not let himself get carried away with thoughts of what if. </p><p>The large double doors into the warehouse were standing open. A small group of four men was heading towards them and Fraser, still keeping his head down, attached himself to the group and walked inside, as if he were as much a part of it as they were. </p><p>From his previous visit Fraser knew that the bottom floor of the warehouse was just one big open space. It was more likely that Ray would be somewhere upstairs. The problem with that was that the stairs were out in the open and he would not be able to climb them unnoticed. </p><p>"Hey." </p><p>The shout caught Fraser's attention. A delivery driver was standing by the main doors. "Someone want to sign for this." </p><p>"Yeah, all right." Fraser shuffled up to the driver. </p><p>"It's for a Mister O'Connell. You'll make sure he gets it?" </p><p>Fraser nodded and scrawled something illegible on the man's clipboard. Then he took the package and headed up the stairs. </p><p>A long corridor stretched out in front of him. The first door on the left was O'Connell's office. Fraser walked softly past that one, stopping at each door to listen. Diefenbaker would have been a great help at this point but Fraser knew the wolf would have attracted too much attention, so he had left him behind at the 27th. </p><p>There was just one more door. Fraser pressed his ear against it. Barely audible, nevertheless he managed to detect the sound of boots shuffling against wooden floorboards. </p><p>He put a hand on the door and pushed ever so slightly. The door opened a tiny amount and Fraser frowned. Ray couldn't possibly be in there or the door would have been locked. </p><p>Checking to see if anyone had noted his presence Fraser pushed the door open just wide enough for him to slide through the gap. </p><p>The room was long and thin. Two narrow windows high up on the wall let in enough light for Fraser to see by. Halfway along a makeshift screen had been erected, beyond which Fraser could see Ray. </p><p>"Ben." </p><p>The light wasn't good enough for Fraser to be sure of the look on Ray's face, but he hurried forward, reaching through the bars to clasp Ray's hands. At first glance the man seemed unharmed and Fraser felt a weight lift from his mind. </p><p>"I'm going to get you out of here." Fraser turned his attention to the wooden bars in front of him. The entire structure looked extremely makeshift and Fraser was sure that he would be able to pull it down with only a little effort. Now, if he could only find a crowbar or some other tool with which to pry apart the bars. </p><p>"Ben." </p><p>There was warning in Ray's voice and Fraser spun around to find himself facing O'Connell. The man was armed, his gun pointing straight at Fraser. </p><p>"Oh dear."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. And into the Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'They were trussed together, lying on the floor, dust tickling Ray's nose. Fraser had curled his fingers round so that they were holding hands. Ray drawing strength from the fact he was no longer alone.'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The four men had kept silent during the journey. Jimmy, sitting in the front passenger seat of the beaten-up van, kept glancing back at Ray, but every time he had seemed on the verge of saying something, he had instead looked at the driver, and turned away again. </p>
<p>Ray had dubbed the two men seated on either side of him Tweedledum and Tweedledee, and despite their glowering presence, he couldn't keep his legs still. His biggest worry wasn't what O'Connell had in store for him but rather the fact that he hadn't gotten to say goodbye to Fraser. He could only imagine what the man would think when he woke up to find himself alone. </p>
<p>"Would you stop that?" Tweedledum, sitting on his left, was obviously not a fan of Ray's restless legs. He raised a fist and Ray forced his legs still. </p>
<p>"O'Connell said not to hurt him," Tweedledee growled. </p>
<p>"O'Connell said not to hurt him unless we have to." That comment came from the driver and Ray's blood ran cold. </p>
<p>The journey was over mercifully quickly. Ray really wasn't sure how much longer he could keep still for. </p>
<p>He had his defence planned out and started speaking the moment he was led in front of O'Connell. </p>
<p>"The cops only let me out an hour ago. I was on my way back here." </p>
<p>"They let you out?" O'Connell was seating in a corner of his office. "Wait outside." That comment was directed at Tweedledum and Tweedledee who had accompanied him up the stairs. Ray almost smiled. </p>
<p>Ray shrugged. "Yeah." </p>
<p>"You didn't find that strange? Arrested for, what was it? Possession of an illegal firearm?" </p>
<p>Ray didn't answer the question, he wasn't really sure what he could say without incriminating himself. </p>
<p>"How many times have you been arrested now, Pete?" </p>
<p>"I'm sorry." He would have to play this very carefully and, as he sashayed his way towards O'Connell, he spared a thought for Fraser. If he concentrated he could still feel the man's lips on him, still feel the light feathery kisses that Fraser had scattered across his torso like snowflakes. The thoughts steeled him for what he knew he had to do. </p>
<p>"You can punish me if you want." Ray put his hand up to his face, knowing there was a chance O'Connell would lash out at him. "Or maybe you can think of something else to do with me." Ray tried to smile, but he knew there was a flash of fear in his eyes. He pressed his hand against the older man's crotch, he could feel the growing erection and now he wanted to vomit. How far would he have to take this? Having spent time with Fraser he could never see himself wanting to go back to the tawdry encounters he and O'Connell had shared in the past. </p>
<p>"Don't push your luck." </p>
<p>He was flat on the floor with O'Connell's not inconsiderable weight bearing down on him. Warm beery breath wafted across his face and Ray made very sure he didn't turn his head away. Maybe he could have struggled free, maybe, but if he tried and failed that would surely be game over. Ray lay still, counting his inhalations as a way to keep himself from moving. Last night he had thought he was finally free from this man. Last night he had thought he was safe. And now of course he had an erection against which O'Connell was dry humping him, like they were a couple of teenagers. It was a terrible parody of the experience he had shared with Fraser just a few hours ago. Ray bit down on his lip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>O'Connell's groan when he came was loud enough that Ray knew the men on the other side of the door would have heard it. He could practically hear their sniggers and see them nudging each other. </p>
<p>A moment or two later and the man was rolling off him and Ray was being marched along the corridor into a room which had been obviously designed to house prisoners. The fact that he hadn't known of its existence up until now worried him. Although, at least he could be sure, standing behind the barred wooden screen as he was, O'Connell wouldn't be able to physically attack him. </p>
<p>He thought the man would leave, he hoped the man would leave. But, when O'Connell reached the door he stopped, turned and came back towards Ray. </p>
<p>"How many times have you changed your name?" </p>
<p>Ray shook his head. </p>
<p>"Simple question, Stanley." </p>
<p>/Fuck./ </p>
<p>"I prefer Ray, actually." If looks could kill, Ray reflected, I'd be stretched out on the floor. </p>
<p>"You're a cop." </p>
<p>"Was a cop." Ray wrapped his hands around the bars, he could feel a little bit of give in them, which might be worth investigating once he was alone, providing he was still alive of course. "Not any more." </p>
<p>He couldn't read the expression on O'Connell's face, was he angry, regretful? Ray hung his head, his life might depend on what he said next. </p>
<p>"I resigned, gave up my badge and walked away." Ray let go of the bars and wrapped his arms around himself. "I was never going to go back. I lost my home, my wife." He saw O'Connell's head jerk upwards, he had never mentioned Stella before, but even now he wasn't being entirely honest, his marriage to Stella had ended some time before he had made himself homeless. "I lost everything." Ray paused. The other man was holding the door handle, but Ray knew he was listening. </p>
<p>"You gave me an opportunity, the chance to start again. Pete Smith didn't have any of the things hanging over his head that were threatening Stanley Kowalski. I couldn't say no." Ray stepped as close to the screen as he could. "I couldn't say no to you." </p>
<p>For a moment he thought he'd done it, O'Connell turned his head towards Ray. /Come on, come on, let me out of here./ Then the man yanked the door open and left. Ray sank down onto the floor, his entire body shaking. </p>
<p>___________<br/>He had no idea of how much time was passing in the outside world, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. Despite knowing that he was very likely facing the end, he couldn't keep still. </p>
<p>Using the light streaming in through two high up windows, he spent some time examining the barred screen. It was bolted to the floor in three places and he presumed, since he couldn't actually see, that the same arrangement had been used to secure it to the ceiling. There was a narrow opening in it, through which he had been shoved, but it was locked closed. He would need a tool of some kind, perhaps if he tried to lever the bars apart he might be able to break them. Only problem was he had nothing, not even a chair. </p>
<p>Ray sat on the floor, leant his head back against the wall and drummed his feet against the floorboards. He soon established a rhythm for himself. /I wonder if anyone downstairs can hear this./ Maybe they would come to investigate, maybe there was still a chance to get out of here alive. </p>
<p>His eyes were trained on the door, so when it began to open he was ready. At first he couldn't make out who it was. It wasn't O'Connell, he knew that much. The man was too tall, walking with shoulders hunched, a baseball cap pulled low over his face. The man pushed the door closed and turned, walking towards Ray. </p>
<p>"Ben." It was him, it was Fraser. Ray reached out and let Fraser take hold of his hands. </p>
<p>"I'm going to get you out of here." Fraser's voice was low. The Mountie's eyes scanning the screen, looking for any weaknesses, much as Ray had. </p>
<p>The man didn't notice the door into the room opening, but Ray did. Ray saw O'Connell walking towards them, a gun in one hand. </p>
<p>"Ben." Of course it was too late for Fraser to make an escape. </p>
<p>The Mountie turned round. "Oh dear." </p>
<p>"This is very interesting." O'Connell peering at Fraser. "You're one of the cops who arrested Stanley here." </p>
<p>Fraser was still facing away from Ray, but he saw the man's back stiffen. "Stanley?" Fraser's voice was calm and controlled, you could almost believe he didn't have a gun pointed at him. "The man Detective Vecchio arrested was called Pete Smith." </p>
<p>"Really? Oh well, Constable. You won't care what happens to him then." </p>
<p>The gun was pointing at him now. Ray looked O'Connell right in the eye. "After everything." He knew the man's weak spot. /Once a Catholic, always a Catholic./ Ray would have grinned but he didn't dare. </p>
<p>"Tie them up." O'Connell gestured at Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who had entered the room behind him. "While I decide what to do with them." </p>
<p>_________<br/>They were trussed together, lying on the floor, dust tickling Ray's nose. Fraser had curled his fingers round so that they were holding hands, Ray drawing strength from the fact he was no longer alone. </p>
<p>"Are you all right?" </p>
<p>The question made Ray laugh and then he couldn't stop. </p>
<p>"Ray... Ray..." </p>
<p>Eventually he realised Fraser was talking to him and he forced himself calm, it wasn't hard, all he had to do was remember where they were and what was happening. </p>
<p>"You didn't answer my question." A pause, Fraser was waiting for his answer but Ray wasn't sure what he should say. "Did O'Connell hurt you?" </p>
<p>"He didn't hit me." </p>
<p>Fraser's fingers tightened on his and he knew Fraser had understood what he had said. </p>
<p>"We need to get out of here." Fraser was twisting his wrists, testing the ropes, Ray thought. </p>
<p>"I seem to have misplaced my knife." Ray couldn't help but think there were worse ways to go, tied to the man he was falling in love with. </p>
<p>"Then we'll have to try something else." Fraser let go of Ray's hand. "If I could just dislocate my thumb." </p>
<p>"Ben, no. We'll get out of this. O'Connell will come back, I'll talk to him." Ray wasn't sure it would actually help but surely it had to be better than letting Fraser deliberately injure himself. </p>
<p>"In about half an hour the Chicago Police Department are going to descend on this warehouse." </p>
<p>"Operation Lone Wolf." Ray shook his head, remembering... </p>
<p>/Flashback<br/>"Look I don't know what to tell you." Ray had squinted up at the cop who had arrested him. "I don't know anybody called Stanley Kowalski." </p>
<p>"That's strange, because your fingerprints are an exact match." </p>
<p>Ray shrugged. "You've made a mistake." </p>
<p>"Wise guy, huh?" The cop had seemed on the verge of losing his temper and Ray was quite relieved when the interview room door opened and an older, more senior policeman put his head through the gap. </p>
<p>"Scram." </p>
<p>The detective scramed and Ray frowned, what now? </p>
<p>"Pete Smith." The man sat down opposite Ray. "You might be in a position to help us." </p>
<p>When he had been told what O'Connell was up to, his first instinct had been to deny it. They laid the evidence out in front of him, brought him a coffee while he worked his way through it all. </p>
<p>The ex-priest had helped him, he had saved his life and Ray knew he owed him, but if even half of what was sitting on the desk in front of him was true then O'Connell was setting out to ruin hundreds of lives. </p>
<p>Eventually he looked up. "Okay, I'm in."<br/>End flashback/ </p>
<p>"If we're still here, O'Connell will likely shoot us." Fraser's voice cut through Ray's memories. </p>
<p>"Well if I have any bright ideas I'll let you know." Ray could feel his arms beginning to numb, if his legs followed suit he wouldn't be able to escape even if they managed somehow to get free. </p>
<p>"Pete!" </p>
<p>Ray wrenched his head round to look over at the screen. "Jimmy?" </p>
<p>"I've come to let you out," the young man hissed. He had already slid open the narrow gap in the screen. </p>
<p>Ray wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth and he lay still while Jimmy sawed at his bonds. </p>
<p>"Thank you kindly." Fraser was rubbing his wrists. </p>
<p>"You'll be okay?" Jimmy was wringing his hands together. </p>
<p>"Thanks to you." Ray clapped the young man on the shoulder. "Let's get out of here." </p>
<p>_______<br/>"And where do you think you're going?" He should have known it was too good to be true. The voice stopped them before they got to the end of the corridor. </p>
<p>"Well, if it isn't Tweedledum." Having his escape thwarted made Ray irritable. </p>
<p>"What did you call me?" </p>
<p>Too late Ray saw the man's gun and heard the retort as it was fired. </p>
<p>"Pete." Eyes that were rapidly glazing over looked at Ray, and then down at the rapidly spreading bloodstain on his pants. Jimmy's collapse occurred, it seemed to a horrified Ray, in slow motion. </p>
<p>"Jimmy." The young man had been behind them and Ray turned, intending to go back to him. </p>
<p>"He's dead." Fraser's hand on his arm, pulling him away and guiding him down the stairs. </p>
<p>They were only halfway down when the warehouse's side door flew open to enable the entry of a score of armed men. </p>
<p>Ray shrank back against the staircase, hands over his ears and mouth wide in horror. He knew he was exposed and if the men started firing he might very well be hit, but he couldn't make his booted feet move and his legs were trembling. </p>
<p>"Ray." </p>
<p>He'd forgotten Fraser was there. His voice seemed to be coming from some far distant planet. </p>
<p>"Chicago P.D." </p>
<p>The shouting didn't make him feel any better. He squeezed his eyes closed and wished himself somewhere far away. </p>
<p>"Ray." </p>
<p>That voice, he knew that voice, knew the feel of the hands on his wrists, firm yet gentle, guiding him, making it possible for him to move. </p>
<p>"One step at a time, Ray," the voice coaxed. "I won't let go." </p>
<p>He walked, step after step. </p>
<p>"That's it, Ray. You're at the bottom." </p>
<p>Ray opened his eyes to see Fraser, smiling at him. </p>
<p>"You're not going to leave me, are you?" </p>
<p>O'Connell's voice calling out to Ray, the man seemingly nonplussed by the fact that his disciples were being rounded up by uniformed police officers. </p>
<p>Ray looked back at the man he had at one time considered his saviour. "You haven't left me with much of a choice." He had taken a couple of steps towards O'Connell, could see the gun in his hand and yet he kept walking. </p>
<p>Another gunshot made him fold in on himself. </p>
<p>"Ray." Fraser's arms were around him but it was all right, he was unhurt, unlike O'Connell who was dead, Vecchio's bullet buried in his chest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. What Happened Next</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'He shifted in his seat to get a better look at Ray's face. The man was pale, his gaze fixed on his boots.'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fraser sat and watched the activity in the squad room from the relative safety of Ray's desk. In actual fact there wasn't much activity to watch, most of the detectives were elsewhere, busy conducting interviews. They were working their way through the vast numbers of men who had been arrested, trying to work out which ones had been complicit in O'Connell's schemes and which had just been innocent bystanders, lured in by the thought of having food to eat and a safe place to sleep. </p>
<p>Ray, his Ray, although Fraser still wasn't sure he had the right to think of the man like that, was sitting next to him. The man hadn't spoken in all the time since O'Connell had been shot. He hadn't even spoken when a uniform had tried to put handcuffs on him. Ray had stepped in, slapping away the officer's hands. "Not him." </p>
<p>He could make out the sound of Ray's voice rising above the rumble of Lieutenant Welsh. He could have listened in on their conversation, but instead he focused his attention on the man sitting next to him. </p>
<p>"Ray." He shifted in his seat to get a better look at Ray's face. The man was pale, his gaze fixed on his boots. Every so often he would look up and glance around as though trying to reassure himself as to where he was, and then he would go back to the scrutiny of his feet. </p>
<p>What next, Fraser wondered, but he couldn't ask Ray that question. So Fraser simply sat, trying as hard as he could to be a solid reassuring presence. Maybe it was working because here were Ray's fingers, curling around his. Gently he returned the pressure. </p>
<p>They were still sat like that, holding hands, when Ray emerged from Welsh's office. </p>
<p>"Welsh would like to speak to you now." Ray smiled. "Benny can go too." </p>
<p>Walking across the squad room hand in hand with Ray felt wildly surreal. The Lieutenant didn't say anything when they entered but he saw the raised eyebrow. Discretion was the better part of valour after all and so Fraser, feeling horribly disloyal, let go of Ray's hand. </p>
<p>"Sit down, Kowalski. You too, Constable." Welsh had already gone back around his desk. </p>
<p>"You did a good job." Welsh steepled his fingers and looked from Ray to Fraser. "Here." He pushed a slip of paper across the desk towards Ray. The man glanced sideways at Fraser before picking it up, as though seeking to reassure himself that the Mountie was still there. </p>
<p>"What's this?" </p>
<p>"Three years back pay and here." More pieces of paper. "Appointments with the police counsellor, a script for your medication and an appointment to discuss your medication with the doc." </p>
<p>Ray looked down at the papers and then across at Fraser, there was a look of alarm in his eyes. "Oh." </p>
<p>Fraser shifted in his chair so that his leg was pressed up against Ray. He felt the other man return the pressure and knew his gesture was appreciated. </p>
<p>"And one more thing." Welsh pulled open a drawer. "Your badge." </p>
<p>The way Ray handled the badge Fraser could almost think he was scared of it. </p>
<p>"I gave this up." Ray put it back down on the desk. </p>
<p>"And I'm giving it back to you. You're a good cop, Kowalski. I think it's time you came back." </p>
<p>Ray slid the badge into his pocket. "Thanks." </p>
<p>Fraser rose to his feet with Ray by his side, he wanted to take hold of Ray's hand again but instead settled for standing next to him. </p>
<p>Welsh waited until they were at the door before he spoke again, "There"s an empty desk opposite Huey's, you can use that. Elaine'll get you everything you need." </p>
<p>_____________<br/>"So." Ray had stopped by what was now his desk. "If I'm working here, I suppose we'll be seeing a lot of each other." </p>
<p>"I don't actually work at the 27th." Fraser felt it was important that he make that clear. He realised he had no idea about what to say to Ray. The events in his apartment seemed now to have taken place a lifetime ago, and Fraser didn't know if there were any way he could recover that feeling.  He could see that Ray had not rejected him outright, but he didn't know what that meant. Fraser would have laughed at himself for being so naive but it wasn't that funny. With an almost visible wrench Fraser realised Ray was speaking to him. </p>
<p>"But you and Vecchio collaborate on a lot of cases." </p>
<p>"Yes, yes we do." </p>
<p>Ray smiled. "Good. I look forward to it, seeing you, I mean." </p>
<p>_______<br/>Fraser had left Ray working his way through a pile of files that Elaine had deposited on his desk and taken himself outside, just to be alone, to give himself a chance to think. </p>
<p>"You okay?" The hand on his shoulder made him jump. </p>
<p>"Ray." Fraser had a smile ready for his friend but he found he couldn't focus on the man, his thoughts drifting instead to the other Ray. </p>
<p>"Look, Benny, Welsh asked me to sort out an apartment for Kowalski. I thought you might help me." </p>
<p>"Of course." Fraser smiled. "I would be happy to." </p>
<p>"Are you doing it for me or him?" </p>
<p>"Both." Fraser paused. "Can I ask you something, Ray?" </p>
<p>"Sure, Benny." </p>
<p>Fraser rubbed at his chin, he was going to have to steel himself to ask this particular question, he wasn't used to opening himself up like this. "How do you know when you've met the right person?" </p>
<p>Ray grinned. "You're asking me?" </p>
<p>"Given my history I'm not sure I know how to answer that question. I thought you could give me a different perspective." Fraser hoped that Ray would understand how much he needed reassurance. </p>
<p>"You're talking about Kowalski?" Ray grinned. </p>
<p>"Ray, the first time I met him I felt like I already knew him, that we were meant to be together. When I look into his eyes I see a heart that's been broken so many times. He's beautiful, Ray, and I don't just mean in the physical sense. He is so beautiful and I want to save him, I want him to let me love him." Fraser took a breath. "But what if I'm not seeing what's really there but just what I want to be there." </p>
<p>"That was a great speech, Benny. But there are no certainties in love, doesn't mean you should stop trying." Ray shrugged. </p>
<p>"Victoria---" </p>
<p>"Was not your fault and Kowalski, he's nothing like her." </p>
<p>"That's not what you said in the car." </p>
<p>"I was wrong. See, Benny. I'm admitting I was wrong, what more do you need?" </p>
<p>Fraser frowned. He wasn't sure that Ray really understood. </p>
<p>"You see, the fact is you can never know what's in somebody's heart. As I said before it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Now." Ray threw his arm around Fraser's shoulders. "Are you going to help me or not?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Another Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'Ray didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so instead he settled for smiling his thanks as Vecchio left.'</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One incidence of self harm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Well?" The man had a huge grin on his face as he pushed open the door and then he stood back to let Ray walk in to the apartment ahead of him. </p><p>"It's great, thanks." And it was great. Vecchio had done a good job, the place looked like a home, not his home though, not yet. </p><p>"Look, I've gotta go. I promised Ma I'd go to the butcher's on my way home." Vecchio must have seen the look on his face because he stepped forward towards Ray. "There's food in the fridge, fruit juice and soda as well. Fraser said you don't drink alcohol." </p><p>No, he didn't but if given easy access to some beer right now Ray would have cheerfully drunk himself into a stupor. </p><p>"Thanks." He kept his thoughts to himself, he was well used to doing that. </p><p>"Oh." Vecchio stopped just in the act of closing the door. "There's a treadmill in the bedroom, so you can walk as much as you want to." </p><p>Ray didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so instead he settled for smiling his thanks as Vecchio left. </p><p>His whole life had changed so quickly, overnight in fact, and although in many ways this was the reverse of what he had gone through three years ago, somehow it felt more jarring, as though he were being forcibly pushed into this new reality, a job, an apartment, a normal life, was that really what he wanted? </p><p>The answer was that he didn't know what the answer was. Or maybe he did know and he was just avoiding it. He was after all the king of avoidance and hadn't he hoped when Vecchio had stopped by his desk to tell him he had a surprise for him, that that surprise would include Fraser? So what did it mean that it hadn't? </p><p>Ray shook his head and folded his arms around himself. He moved further into the apartment, looking around. Some of the items were familiar, taken from his storage unit, but other things were brand new, like the television and the couch. </p><p>Ray sank down onto the floor and stared at the large piece of furniture. It looked very comfortable, a thought that made Ray squirm, he wasn't ready for comfortable. </p><p>Now he was alone with nothing to do his thoughts could free range. He would have stayed at his desk all night if allowed. Three years ago, when he'd been a different man, he would have hated the thought of going through cold cases, would have seen it as a punishment. The last few hours however had been incredibly peaceful, his mind focused on something other than recent events. Events which had led to the deaths of two men. </p><p>Jimmy hadn't deserved that, he had been so young, his homelessness could have been kept as no more than a blip, and Ray could have helped him, should have helped him, but instead the young man was dead. </p><p>Then there was O'Connell, and Ray really didn't want to go there. But there was no escape from him, even now. The man had been his mentor, his lover, and even though he had known of the ex-priest's crimes, it was hard for him to let go of the regard that he had for him still. </p><p>How had he gone from sitting on the floor to standing in the kitchen, a knife in his fist. He had to hand it to Vecchio, the man really had done the job properly. Ray pressed the knife against the skin of his left arm, blood welling up through the cut as though desperate to be free. </p><p>"Ray." </p><p>He must have left the door open. </p><p>"Ray." </p><p>The distraction made Ray shake his head. More pressure, more blood, still no pain. Ray frowned. </p><p>"Ray." </p><p>It was Fraser, dressed in casual clothes and holding something in his hands, although from the angle between the kitchen counter and the door, he couldn't make out what it was. Ray shifted position, what was Fraser holding? </p><p>"Ray!" </p><p>Fraser was no longer by the front door. He was standing beside Ray, taking the knife from him, scrabbling under the sink for a first aid kit and then binding the wound. All the while his eyes seemed fixed on Ray's face. He couldn't bear the scrutiny and Ray looked away. </p><p>"Vecchio really thought of everything, didn't he?" Ray laughed, it sounded high and hysterical and not like him at all.</p><p>Eventually Ray looked at Fraser. The knife had been placed in the sink and there was a frown on Fraser's face. </p><p>"I thought you weren't coming." Perhaps that had sounded too critical because the frown on Fraser's face had deepened. He let Fraser lead him over to the couch, it was comfortable, and that just felt weird. He touched the bandage on his arm with one finger and then looked up. </p><p>Fraser was staring at him, and if Ray hadn't known any better he would have thought the look in his eyes was fearful. O'Connell had never looked at him like that, as though he cared, really cared. Ray leant forward and pressed his lips against the Mountie's. It was a brief kiss but Fraser looked a little happier afterwards so Ray felt it was a win. </p><p>"What you were doing..." Fraser's voice trailed off. </p><p>"I don't know," Ray said, and it scared him to admit that. "I was thinking. About everything that happened. About..." But he didn't want to tell Fraser he had been thinking about O'Connell. "The knife was in my hand. I don't remember picking it up." He thought maybe Fraser would argue with him, maybe even walk out on him. He wouldn't have supposed he deserved anything else. </p><p>"I brought you an apartment warming present." Fraser stood up and went back to the front door. </p><p>There, he was leaving, but instead Fraser bent down and scooped something off the floor. He brought the item back to Ray. "It's a dream catcher." </p><p>Ray smiled, turning it over in his hands. It was so delicate, obviously hand made. </p><p>"It tangles up bad dreams so you can sleep at night." </p><p>"Thank you." It was perfect. </p><p>There was a large bag sitting by the door and the Mountie must have seen Ray looking at it. "I'm going to stay with you," Fraser explained. "Just until I know you'll be all right on your own." </p><p>"What if I want you to stay longer?" What if I want you to stay forever? But he didn't dare say that out loud, not yet. </p><p>"I'll stay for as long as you want me." </p><p>"I'm not easy to live with," Ray said. "I'll forget to put the milk back in the fridge." </p><p>"Then I'll put it back." </p><p>"And I have a habit of going for a walk in the middle of the night." </p><p>"Then I'll walk with you." </p><p>Ray looked at Fraser, stretching out a hand. "Right now I'll settle for a dance." </p><p>"I didn't know you danced." </p><p>Ray smiled and pulled Fraser to his feet. "I did, in another life." </p><p>"And in this one?" </p><p>"If you'll dance with me." </p><p>Ray pulled Fraser close, the two men wrapped their arms around each other, and then they danced, their shadows thrown across the room as they moved and Ray, moving perfectly in synchronicity with Fraser, could feel himself finally beginning to heal.<br/>
THE END</p>
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